An American girl, an Australian girl, and a Polish woman walk into a sauna...
Setting: The locker room at Crunch.
Time: Last night. 7pm.
When the following symbol is used ---- it signifies silence on the part of the speaker, combined with a look that means I have no idea what you are talking about, you American fool.
____________________________________________________________________
After a particularly rough hip-hop class on a particularly cold day, Shoni decides to step into the sauna at Crunch. She towels up and walks into the brightly lit wooden box. Just as she relaxes on the top bench, for maximum heat, a girl walks in.
Girl: There's something wrong with this. The heat is actually going down, not up.
Shoni: Fuck.
Shoni and Girl step out of the sauna and fiddle with the buttons until the temperature begins to rise. They step back into the sauna and lay down on adjescent benches. Shoni closes her eyes. Girl begins to breath deeply. Silence. Silence. Then.
Girl: Have you ever used the pool here? The Crunch pool?
Shoni: Yeah. It's small.
Silence. Silence. Then.
Girl: (In an unmistakeably Australian accent) Are the spinning classes here any good?
Shoni: They're ok.
Shoni thinks to herself, SERIOUSLY? Will this stranger talk to me the entire time I'm in here? Then she remembers her New Years resolution, shich was to have more joy. And this girl might be fun and nice and interesting and good to know. Sometimes it's good to know Australians. So.
Me: What are you doing here in the states?
Australian Girl: I came to study. I'm an actress.
Me: Ah! Where did you study?
And thus begins a rather lengthy conversation on the arts in Australia versus America. The Cate Blanchett Hedda Gabler comes up. Australian dance comes up. Shoni mentions Japanese dance she plans to see this weekend. More harmless artistic chatter. Then.
Shoni: Why leave Australia?
Australian Girl: There's just no culture there. Because it's so far away. The stuff that comes there, it's like Madonna, and tickets are like $200. Just the things there are to do and see in America, in New York. It's really. But you have to be so ruthless, such a survivor.
Shoni: As an immigrant?
Australian Girl: No, as an American.
An American girl walks in. She is clearly horrified that the two naked girls in the sauna are chatting away. She sits on a low bench and stretches her feet out in front of her. She glances quickly at Shoni and the Australian girl looking vaguely nervous.
Shoni: What do you mean?
Australian Girl: Just not having insurance is so scary. You know to come from a country with a health system and then when I got here, I mean I have a green card now, but the first time I got sick, it was before I had insurance, and I went to the doctor and it was, like, $500. And I was like, you're kidding, that's my savings, and the doctor was like, yup, that's what it costs. And I realized I had to be careful, I had to be aware of my health. I mean it's ridiculous. How does a single mother or something like that, how do people afford it?
Shoni: They don't get sick.
A well-preserved Polish woman in her 50s enters. She is wearing just a thong. She stands right in front of the stones, fanning the hot air up into her face.
Australian Girl: And appearances here are more important. It's way dressier than Australia.
Shoni: No way! We're the slobbiest country in the world!
Australian Girl: Australia is like really casual.
Polish Woman: (with thick Polish accent). Maybe you think that but no. When I move here, I live in Brighton Beach now, this is Russian neighborhood. When I move here, very sloppy, yes. But now, thirteen years later, very dressy.
Australian Girl: It's all about shoes. And bags.
Polish Woman: And getting nails done and hair done.
The silent American girl wiggles her perfectly manicured toenails. Her make-up is perfect. She appears to not be sweating. The Polish woman sits on the corner of the box the stones are in.
Australian Girl: It's totally different here. Adjusting to the culture is hard. Living hand to mouth, like being a cocktail waitress when I was in school, it's different.
Shoni: I wish I had had my tape recorder. I am doing a play about immigration and we're interviewing immigrants. This would have been great to record.
An Asian woman walks in naked. She lays down on the lower bench, her head next to the American girl's ass. The American girl sits very still.
Australian Girl: What is your play about?
Shoni: Well, immigration and love. Like green card marriages.
Australian Girl: Oh! I'm one of those. I mean, not really, it was a REAL marriage, but you know.
Polish Woman: YOU are doing play about immigrants? You are American! What do you know about immigrants?
Every fiber of Shoni's being shudders with fear of being an utter fraud and making a huge mistake.
Shoni: Well my husband is an immigrant. He's Scottish.
Polish Woman: What do you know about it.
Shoni: Well we have a Romanian playwright writing the play.
Polish Woman: ---
Shoni: She's really good.
Polish Woman: It is like this guy Borat. He knows nothing about it. He make fun of these immigrants and makes money off of them and laughs at them and he knows nothing about it.
Oh fuck, Shoni thinks to herself, are you really bringing up Borat?
Polish Woman: Why does he not make this film in Britain? No he makes it in poor country and pays them five dollars a day, seven dollars a day.
Australian Girl: I know, he's awful, it's not funny.
The Asian Woman begins rubbing her temples, aggressively.
Polish Woman: I mean, I have not seen it, but what I read about it, he makes fun of these people, and pays them nothing. They think oh, I want to make movie, but it will be so expensive in England, so let's go to different country and pay nothing. And he makes fun of them.
Shoni: Well, I think he's really making fun of Americans. And there are elements of the comedy that's really subversive, more so than, say, Employee of the Month or something, which is really just an example of Americans being willing to settle for something completely sub-par and facile and laugh at it anyway.
Polish Woman: ----
Silence. Silence. Then.
Australian Girl: Wow. We've been in here 40 minutes. Are you hot?
Shoni: Yeah, I'm pretty hot.
Australian Girl: I'm going to get out.
Shoni: Can I get your email? I'd love to interview you for our play.
Australian Girl: Sure!
Shoni and Australian Girl leave the sauna, followed by Polish Woman. Shoni gets Australian Girl's email and leaves the gym, with the Polish Woman's words echoeing in her ears.
YOU ARE AMERICAN. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IMMIGRATION?
Time: Last night. 7pm.
When the following symbol is used ---- it signifies silence on the part of the speaker, combined with a look that means I have no idea what you are talking about, you American fool.
____________________________________________________________________
After a particularly rough hip-hop class on a particularly cold day, Shoni decides to step into the sauna at Crunch. She towels up and walks into the brightly lit wooden box. Just as she relaxes on the top bench, for maximum heat, a girl walks in.
Girl: There's something wrong with this. The heat is actually going down, not up.
Shoni: Fuck.
Shoni and Girl step out of the sauna and fiddle with the buttons until the temperature begins to rise. They step back into the sauna and lay down on adjescent benches. Shoni closes her eyes. Girl begins to breath deeply. Silence. Silence. Then.
Girl: Have you ever used the pool here? The Crunch pool?
Shoni: Yeah. It's small.
Silence. Silence. Then.
Girl: (In an unmistakeably Australian accent) Are the spinning classes here any good?
Shoni: They're ok.
Shoni thinks to herself, SERIOUSLY? Will this stranger talk to me the entire time I'm in here? Then she remembers her New Years resolution, shich was to have more joy. And this girl might be fun and nice and interesting and good to know. Sometimes it's good to know Australians. So.
Me: What are you doing here in the states?
Australian Girl: I came to study. I'm an actress.
Me: Ah! Where did you study?
And thus begins a rather lengthy conversation on the arts in Australia versus America. The Cate Blanchett Hedda Gabler comes up. Australian dance comes up. Shoni mentions Japanese dance she plans to see this weekend. More harmless artistic chatter. Then.
Shoni: Why leave Australia?
Australian Girl: There's just no culture there. Because it's so far away. The stuff that comes there, it's like Madonna, and tickets are like $200. Just the things there are to do and see in America, in New York. It's really. But you have to be so ruthless, such a survivor.
Shoni: As an immigrant?
Australian Girl: No, as an American.
An American girl walks in. She is clearly horrified that the two naked girls in the sauna are chatting away. She sits on a low bench and stretches her feet out in front of her. She glances quickly at Shoni and the Australian girl looking vaguely nervous.
Shoni: What do you mean?
Australian Girl: Just not having insurance is so scary. You know to come from a country with a health system and then when I got here, I mean I have a green card now, but the first time I got sick, it was before I had insurance, and I went to the doctor and it was, like, $500. And I was like, you're kidding, that's my savings, and the doctor was like, yup, that's what it costs. And I realized I had to be careful, I had to be aware of my health. I mean it's ridiculous. How does a single mother or something like that, how do people afford it?
Shoni: They don't get sick.
A well-preserved Polish woman in her 50s enters. She is wearing just a thong. She stands right in front of the stones, fanning the hot air up into her face.
Australian Girl: And appearances here are more important. It's way dressier than Australia.
Shoni: No way! We're the slobbiest country in the world!
Australian Girl: Australia is like really casual.
Polish Woman: (with thick Polish accent). Maybe you think that but no. When I move here, I live in Brighton Beach now, this is Russian neighborhood. When I move here, very sloppy, yes. But now, thirteen years later, very dressy.
Australian Girl: It's all about shoes. And bags.
Polish Woman: And getting nails done and hair done.
The silent American girl wiggles her perfectly manicured toenails. Her make-up is perfect. She appears to not be sweating. The Polish woman sits on the corner of the box the stones are in.
Australian Girl: It's totally different here. Adjusting to the culture is hard. Living hand to mouth, like being a cocktail waitress when I was in school, it's different.
Shoni: I wish I had had my tape recorder. I am doing a play about immigration and we're interviewing immigrants. This would have been great to record.
An Asian woman walks in naked. She lays down on the lower bench, her head next to the American girl's ass. The American girl sits very still.
Australian Girl: What is your play about?
Shoni: Well, immigration and love. Like green card marriages.
Australian Girl: Oh! I'm one of those. I mean, not really, it was a REAL marriage, but you know.
Polish Woman: YOU are doing play about immigrants? You are American! What do you know about immigrants?
Every fiber of Shoni's being shudders with fear of being an utter fraud and making a huge mistake.
Shoni: Well my husband is an immigrant. He's Scottish.
Polish Woman: What do you know about it.
Shoni: Well we have a Romanian playwright writing the play.
Polish Woman: ---
Shoni: She's really good.
Polish Woman: It is like this guy Borat. He knows nothing about it. He make fun of these immigrants and makes money off of them and laughs at them and he knows nothing about it.
Oh fuck, Shoni thinks to herself, are you really bringing up Borat?
Polish Woman: Why does he not make this film in Britain? No he makes it in poor country and pays them five dollars a day, seven dollars a day.
Australian Girl: I know, he's awful, it's not funny.
The Asian Woman begins rubbing her temples, aggressively.
Polish Woman: I mean, I have not seen it, but what I read about it, he makes fun of these people, and pays them nothing. They think oh, I want to make movie, but it will be so expensive in England, so let's go to different country and pay nothing. And he makes fun of them.
Shoni: Well, I think he's really making fun of Americans. And there are elements of the comedy that's really subversive, more so than, say, Employee of the Month or something, which is really just an example of Americans being willing to settle for something completely sub-par and facile and laugh at it anyway.
Polish Woman: ----
Silence. Silence. Then.
Australian Girl: Wow. We've been in here 40 minutes. Are you hot?
Shoni: Yeah, I'm pretty hot.
Australian Girl: I'm going to get out.
Shoni: Can I get your email? I'd love to interview you for our play.
Australian Girl: Sure!
Shoni and Australian Girl leave the sauna, followed by Polish Woman. Shoni gets Australian Girl's email and leaves the gym, with the Polish Woman's words echoeing in her ears.
YOU ARE AMERICAN. WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT IMMIGRATION?
Labels: artsy angst, immigration play
posted by SWC at 7:41 PM
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